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Making progress.
Jun. 12th, 2011 10:57 pmThere were some posts that had to be in April though they feel like they were far longer ago now, in which I mentioned difficulty I had socially around men. It was parts fear, parts wariness, etc., really. I've realized there's (at least?) two parts to it.
Part the first: what was said to me. I grew-up in a very misogynistic environment. It can be argued that on average that's the world around us, but I would say this was notably so even given that. Locker room* talk about what they had done to girls in social situations was a large part of this. Then I saw my brother and his friends put this into practice with their girlfriend and other female classmates.
The second was the violence that happened in my life. My home life had much of it and school was better but not perfect (it would have been simply brutal if it were the same as home.) While reflecting on the past my cousin once remarked that she took to only stepping in when she saw one of us grab a pitchfork or shovel. She wasn't exaggerating, and it was often me who escalated it in that way because I had little reason not to (I would be solely punished for the fight no matter what actually happened) and a part of me was certain that the only way for the violence that daily visited my life then to stop was for someone to end up at least severely injured if not dead.
For the first part, one might be inclined to think I should have seen that actual interactions usually didn't happen that way. One would probably be right, too, if not for the fact that restrictions on me in my school age days meant what my brother and his friends did while at our house were the only interactions I was able to see outside of situations where proper behavior was forced, e.g. school and church. But since then, and particularly recently as I've begun to actually be able to be social, I've realized it isn't that way quite a lot; what I saw as "normal" isn't.
The second was simpler and, in fact, has been something I noticed changing at work. There were certain microaggressions I faced at work before that have vanished. All of them came from male coworkers and I do observe them still doing those things to other male coworkers but they have ceased doing so to me.
I note this now because what triggered this in the first place - certain smiles - has ceased to do so.
* This really wasn't a place I was willingly; only before and after gym class (we were required to change for PE,) and the teachers largely left us to our own devices.
Part the first: what was said to me. I grew-up in a very misogynistic environment. It can be argued that on average that's the world around us, but I would say this was notably so even given that. Locker room* talk about what they had done to girls in social situations was a large part of this. Then I saw my brother and his friends put this into practice with their girlfriend and other female classmates.
The second was the violence that happened in my life. My home life had much of it and school was better but not perfect (it would have been simply brutal if it were the same as home.) While reflecting on the past my cousin once remarked that she took to only stepping in when she saw one of us grab a pitchfork or shovel. She wasn't exaggerating, and it was often me who escalated it in that way because I had little reason not to (I would be solely punished for the fight no matter what actually happened) and a part of me was certain that the only way for the violence that daily visited my life then to stop was for someone to end up at least severely injured if not dead.
For the first part, one might be inclined to think I should have seen that actual interactions usually didn't happen that way. One would probably be right, too, if not for the fact that restrictions on me in my school age days meant what my brother and his friends did while at our house were the only interactions I was able to see outside of situations where proper behavior was forced, e.g. school and church. But since then, and particularly recently as I've begun to actually be able to be social, I've realized it isn't that way quite a lot; what I saw as "normal" isn't.
The second was simpler and, in fact, has been something I noticed changing at work. There were certain microaggressions I faced at work before that have vanished. All of them came from male coworkers and I do observe them still doing those things to other male coworkers but they have ceased doing so to me.
I note this now because what triggered this in the first place - certain smiles - has ceased to do so.
* This really wasn't a place I was willingly; only before and after gym class (we were required to change for PE,) and the teachers largely left us to our own devices.
