Where I am.

[agent_dani]

Feeling like I am and/or my life is simply falling apart, and that I should just give up. I've been in a very difficult emotional space this year. In my view it's due to the drastic HRT changes as that's when this all began. I've found myself in emotional places that I had dearly hoped I would never again visit: at different points, on the verge of being suicidal and self-injuring, both things I haven't felt for years (and, for those who knew me in my younger years, when I persistently picked scabs on my body and wouldn't let them heal, that was why I was doing it, even if I couldn't answer "why?" then because the only answer I could give - that it felt good - didn't go over well.)

I think the reason it seems so much more painful now - more painful than it ever did in the past - is because today I know something that I didn't then: what it is to not feel this way. For seven months, from July of 2011 to February of 2012, I was on a dose on which I truly felt good in a way that I never did for 30-odd years before that.

I see so many others having the happy moments - making the progress, scheduling the surgeries, and getting past that - and I'm so happy for them, but I'm also seeing that most of them started well after me and didn't have fights for something so basic. And I'm desperate for anything even beginning to resemble that kind of progress, and particularly not to suffer loss of progress like I have, because the place I'm in just fucking hurts. At least once a day, on average, I'm in tears for no other identifiable reason. I sit at work or driving home struggling to keep the tears from flowing.

This coming Saturday, May 5, marks exactly three years since I first saw a doctor for HRT. It's nowhere near that long for HRT itself; that didn't happen for five more months as that endo required that I do at least three months of therapy before HRT (which became five, and was in addition to the seven I had already done.)

Comments

[agent_dani]

They certainly are. Interestingly, all of my professionals to date have, at some point, asserted to me that they aren't gatekeepers (usually also asserting that gatekeeping doesn't happen anymore, which might point to the issue - they define it such to exclude themselves.)