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I figured out a lot of what is behind my difficult emotions about this day. It's part that I wish I hadn't had SRS but also because I was supposed to have breast augmentation at the same time and that was denied to me.
I originally had both scheduled. My first wife would not allow me to save anything to pay for surgery unless I allowed her to have absolute control over the budget - not only that she got to make every decision about how and when we saved for it but that I didn't even get to know how much money was saved and if I ever asked she immediately spent everything and we had a screaming fight about how I didn't trust her, etc.
Two weeks before the final payment was due we did our taxes and our federal refund was 10% of what it had been the year before. Suddenly she began crying and remarking that I was going to be mad at her. I was confused and she finally admitted that the federal refund being at least as much as it was the previous year - several thousand dollars - was a critical part of her budget to pay for my surgery. And, of course, she made herself the victim of it.
With no way to get that money in time it became that I had to make surgery cheaper. I wanted to cancel SRS but I faced severe opposition. My therapist and HRT Drs had already made it clear that way would mean they refused to support my transition anymore. Generally, other people in my life didn't either - in particular trans people I knew were very hostile to my desire to cancel SRS for BA.
I originally had both scheduled. My first wife would not allow me to save anything to pay for surgery unless I allowed her to have absolute control over the budget - not only that she got to make every decision about how and when we saved for it but that I didn't even get to know how much money was saved and if I ever asked she immediately spent everything and we had a screaming fight about how I didn't trust her, etc.
Two weeks before the final payment was due we did our taxes and our federal refund was 10% of what it had been the year before. Suddenly she began crying and remarking that I was going to be mad at her. I was confused and she finally admitted that the federal refund being at least as much as it was the previous year - several thousand dollars - was a critical part of her budget to pay for my surgery. And, of course, she made herself the victim of it.
With no way to get that money in time it became that I had to make surgery cheaper. I wanted to cancel SRS but I faced severe opposition. My therapist and HRT Drs had already made it clear that way would mean they refused to support my transition anymore. Generally, other people in my life didn't either - in particular trans people I knew were very hostile to my desire to cancel SRS for BA.
