On moving on.
May. 12th, 2011 10:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
agent_daniI had some discussions recently about what it means to me to move on after transition. It’s a tough one to define; having both components of what it does and does not mean. This is my attempt to do so, hampered more by my ever-increasing desire to not have my mind in transition matters - I began writing this weeks ago and quickly ran out of steam to finish it; I pushed myself tonight so I can be done with it as I both felt it something I needed to do but also didn't want to deal with it anymore.
It does not mean I’ll cut ties with everyone I knew before transition (though I did cut some; mostly ones with whom there was little bond,) nor that I’ll leave those I know who are going through transition. Many such people are ones I consider friends and I have no desire to lose them; losing them would be something I expect I would find painful. But the reason I would feel that way is because there is some form of bond beyond having transition in common.
If someone at work were to contact me about my experiences transitioning there because they were trying to figure out how to do so themselves then I would gladly meet with them, just as a woman who transitioned years ago did for me.
It means I won’t generally be bringing it up in conversation, not because I wish to hide it, feel ashamed of it, or anything of the sort, but because it typically isn’t germane. It’s a fact of my past, but I view it as a rather uninteresting fact of my past, and hopefully ranking high amongst least interesting facts about me. It does mean it’s not something I intent to broadcast about myself. I’ll not be writing about it in places that are really easy to connect to me, i.e. on anything on my vanity-domain, because I have no desire to have that become the notable fact about me.
I do believe in giving back to the community. I have done so and have some more contributions to make. I’ve made what information I have, mostly the short speeches and letters for family and coworkers, available to others because they go a very different direction than others I found; a direction that is, in my opinion, very much more positive. I’ll be part of a WPATH presentation this year about a wonderful resource for trans women, too.
Beyond that, I don’t feel there is much value I can bring because everything else is very much experiences specific to myself and my own situation. I don’t have any blindingly-brilliant insights to pass along, and even my actual transition story isn’t very interesting; the most interesting part, a weekend in December, is only so because it demonstrated that I was wrong about some things I had believed. I also don’t feel that, for myself, those communities are a good place to remain long-term, mostly because of what I’ve seen of many who do - it’s not pleasant and I very much don’t want to become that sort of person who is still mentally invested in transition even though otherwise they’re years past it. I did that for many years with one aspect of my past and will not let it happen again.
My therapist repeatedly asked me, “what does transition mean to you?” I honestly got so sick of the question and I felt unable to answer it. I see now that the reason was that I was trying to find some deeper meaning within transition, which was wrong. In reality, for me transition was merely a means to an end, and, increasingly, I have a sense that I have reached that end.
It does not mean I’ll cut ties with everyone I knew before transition (though I did cut some; mostly ones with whom there was little bond,) nor that I’ll leave those I know who are going through transition. Many such people are ones I consider friends and I have no desire to lose them; losing them would be something I expect I would find painful. But the reason I would feel that way is because there is some form of bond beyond having transition in common.
If someone at work were to contact me about my experiences transitioning there because they were trying to figure out how to do so themselves then I would gladly meet with them, just as a woman who transitioned years ago did for me.
It means I won’t generally be bringing it up in conversation, not because I wish to hide it, feel ashamed of it, or anything of the sort, but because it typically isn’t germane. It’s a fact of my past, but I view it as a rather uninteresting fact of my past, and hopefully ranking high amongst least interesting facts about me. It does mean it’s not something I intent to broadcast about myself. I’ll not be writing about it in places that are really easy to connect to me, i.e. on anything on my vanity-domain, because I have no desire to have that become the notable fact about me.
I do believe in giving back to the community. I have done so and have some more contributions to make. I’ve made what information I have, mostly the short speeches and letters for family and coworkers, available to others because they go a very different direction than others I found; a direction that is, in my opinion, very much more positive. I’ll be part of a WPATH presentation this year about a wonderful resource for trans women, too.
Beyond that, I don’t feel there is much value I can bring because everything else is very much experiences specific to myself and my own situation. I don’t have any blindingly-brilliant insights to pass along, and even my actual transition story isn’t very interesting; the most interesting part, a weekend in December, is only so because it demonstrated that I was wrong about some things I had believed. I also don’t feel that, for myself, those communities are a good place to remain long-term, mostly because of what I’ve seen of many who do - it’s not pleasant and I very much don’t want to become that sort of person who is still mentally invested in transition even though otherwise they’re years past it. I did that for many years with one aspect of my past and will not let it happen again.
My therapist repeatedly asked me, “what does transition mean to you?” I honestly got so sick of the question and I felt unable to answer it. I see now that the reason was that I was trying to find some deeper meaning within transition, which was wrong. In reality, for me transition was merely a means to an end, and, increasingly, I have a sense that I have reached that end.
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no subject
Date: 2011-05-13 06:04 am (UTC)Which does rather seem to imply that there are other, more interesting things about me, now I think on it and I don't actually know if that's true or not. ;)
These days I don't even think of myself as trans. It was (and occasionally still can be) a useful means of helping me figure myself out, but it's feeling less and less like liberation and more and more like a straitjacket. I'm more than my gender identity.
I'm so very happy to know I'm not the only person thinking these thoughts.
no subject
Date: 2011-05-13 07:13 am (UTC)It is possible to give back without having to be 'in your face' about it.
Stick with the friends who stick with you is the best advice I can give- they are real gems :o)
no subject
Date: 2011-05-13 12:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-13 01:05 pm (UTC)I have no concern about what others choose so long as it doesn't adversely impact me (and I'm not one who subscribes to some of the odd notions about trans women who are out or don't perfectly present doing so.)
For me it's been like being Childfree. I claim it because it is part of who I am and something with which I struggled for a time, but now that I'm not in the places where it was made such an issue...meh!
*hugs* sis!
no subject
Date: 2011-05-13 02:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-13 06:02 pm (UTC)