Smoked salmon over black pepper capallini with a side of misogyny.

[agent_dani]

One of the many new-to-me experiences this year is the old one that has to do with restaurants and who is served first; specifically women before men. It's not fully new, of course, but far more obvious because a) I am now gendered female and, thus, one of the ones served first when that happens, and b) often due to my professional field, it's not infrequent that I am the only woman at the table. The title of this post comes from the entree I ordered on the last such occasion when I experienced this; at my farewell lunch with my manger and five coworkers last week, at which our waitress was very clearly practicing as was likely the rule of the establishment (it was clearly not happenstance as it involved a separate trip to the prep area after bringing a tray of beverages out and placing it on a jack to retrieve my hot tea and then serve that to me before the beverages to my male dining companions.) I've also had occasion to run into some objections to that practice, though last week's event was free of it.

There are several classes of objections that I am intentionally leaving outside of the scope of this post (I will advise that it would not be wise to believe that my evaluation of this particular subset is an indication of how I view all of the others.) The very narrowly defined case in today's engagement is, in my experience, the one made the most immediately and with significant volume, and I have never experienced this particular one voiced by women (in fairness, I haven't seen it from a particularly large group of men, either, but it has definitely existed.) It is to claim that due to feminism such practices shouldn't still be happening.

That sounds great on its surface, but, from the particular speaker, it fails upon examination. Some of the men that I have observed make this objection never go on to practice any behavior that would be in support of that proclaimed and apparently claimed position.

This is the essence of privilege put on display; men who are so completely accustom to benefiting from their privilege that they chaff the moment they encounter a situation where it does not provide them with the advantages they prefer. It is utter contempt for women, begrudging them even a patriarchally-approved crumb. It is also, particularly in the instances when it is repeated with each course, an expectation and demand that the women present engage with them as representatives, however unwilling, of all of feminism, at the time and terms of their choosing, and to hold them responsible for behaviors outside of their control.

Comments

[cmcmck.livejournal.com]

As you are, of course, like all of us, an ambassador to the patriarchy, it behoves you to notice such things! :o)

And yes, some men ARE that filled with a sense of entitlement (although not, I have to say, all).

[valeriekeefe.livejournal.com]

And here I just thought it was the result of two sides subjectively viewing an unfair system and blaming the other for their oppression.

Which is to say, I've had the condescending customer demand my manager when I've told them no, regardless of how I was gendered, and I've seen it happen to my co-workers, regardless of visible axes of privilge, because sometimes, not always, class dominates the conversation in this neo-liberal age.

[cmcmck.livejournal.com]

Here in the UK class still dominates so much of one's daily discourse. There are people out there who'd forgive me for being trans (big of them, I must say) but could never forgive me for originating in the working class and growing up on a council estate.................

[valeriekeefe.livejournal.com]

It's not much different on this side of the pond... people can always smell new-education.

[phonemonkey.livejournal.com]

I once told my (American) spouse "If America was really a classless society, people wouldn't be so insistent that folk and country are completely different genres of music."

He laughed very hard.

[lietya.livejournal.com]

For what it's worth, I agree with your analysis. I haven't actually run into this particular phenomenon, but I don't have to be to recognize hypocrisy and some men getting all butthurt the one time things go against them. :)

(I do actually agree that "feminism should have made this stop happening," but unlike them, I'm internally consistent and apply that to lots of other situations that run both for/against women. [I also believe in holding doors for everyone, for example, and find doing so with the courtly gesture for women only to be kind of eye-rolling.])

"n expectation and demand that the women present engage with them as representatives, however unwilling, of all of feminism, at the time and terms of their choosing, and to hold them responsible for behaviors outside of their control."

That drives me NUTS. Uh, no pun intended!

[fanboy-of-zeus.livejournal.com]

I also believe in holding doors for everyone, for example, and find doing so with the courtly gesture for women only to be kind of eye-rolling.

On what planet is it considered polite to let a door shut in ANYONE's face? Not that I'm doubting you, since I HAVE had older gentlemen give me funny looks for holding doors for them...but *I* was always taught that was just basic human decency.

[lietya.livejournal.com]

I was, too, but I've also gotten the funny looks.