A few things from tonight.

[agent_dani]

Went to my therapist's support group again (to help support a friend) and found it interesting. She's trying to address the problems that have been so present in that group and that drove me away from it in 2009.

In most ways I didn't find it useful. I was going to say I didn't at all, but that's not true. The topic was plastic surgery, particularly Facial Feminization Surgery (FFS.) My friend is planning to have FFS and I think tonight gave her a lot to think about. When we parted I told her that whatever she decides, I will be there to support and help her.

There was one bit of news that shocked me. Y'all might recall I was in a TG Voice and Communication Group at UNC-Greensboro in the fall and spring. The news concerns one of the women who was in the spring group; she died last month. I think this shocked me more because she's the second trans woman I've personally known who has died, and in as many years - the first, who I had known since the mid-late 1990s, died early last year.

Finally, I think this group session was valuable to me. The topic lead to a lot of discussion among the women present about what they didn't like and wished to change of their bodies. Significant amounts of plastic surgery desires were discussed, and I had a realization - that other than SRS I am not interested in surgery and am very much happy with my body. I think my experiences on that beach in Nags Head in May have helped more than I could have imagined.

Comments

[maellenkleth]

Hei!

Here (in my user-icon) is another data point for you. That's me, somewhat tipsy, in an off-hand snap taken by an air steward whilst in-flight from Point A to Point B.

No FFS here, although I did have some of my facial bones broken when I was assaulted as a young adult (ca. 22 years old, by five of my co-workers who resented the idea of a woman being in responsible charge of an oil-drilling team). At the time of the photo I was 49.

Time is a great healer, whether or not anyone's gotten clobbered along the way. I've always looked at the burgeoning FFS business as being a way to sell refrigerators to Eskimos, playing on people's insecurites. Seriously. I remember when the first big push of advertising came along.

Much more of success lies in how one carries oneself, and in particular the manner is which one wears one's face, if that makes any great sense.

I wish you good luck in your deliberations. As I say to my Brownies, 'every day is thinking day!'

[agent_dani]

I've learned that such statements can be made to others as much as we want and it won't change a thing. What it really comes down to is how they feel about themselves and nothing external is capable of changing that. Attempting to define its worth can only be evaluated in that context*. That, combined with the fact that it is not my place to say anything more, are why what I said to my friend - that I will support her and be there to help her - are the only things I will say; the only things that are my place to say.

* Yes, I have encountered the "if you care about having a successful transition you have to have FFS" line from some people, which I equally reject.

[maellenkleth]

Point well taken, and herewith my apologies for my appalling lapse of manners.

[agent_dani]

Thank you. You did no harm to me; I was not using the faux friend instead of my self device as my mind is long made-up that I do not desire it. Truly, except for SRS, I'm happy with my body at this time.

Going to the beach in Nags Head last May helped me greatly to feel more comfortable with my own body. The afternoon that we arrived we walked on the beach and I observed the other women who were out there. They had various body types and were rocking their swimsuits, sundresses, and cover-ups, and looking fabulous. It was like a mental switch was thrown for me and I realized, "they have bodies like mine, they look great, and so do/will I!" I firmly believe that's why I gained the strength to purchase the sundress the next day and, as a result, came to be comfortable wearing dresses and skirts.

[maellenkleth]

Ah, well, thank you then! My diplomacy fails me abysmally at times.

I am mindful of something that my therapist said to me back when I was 17 (yeah, in the Early Jurassic era), to the effect that "women's wear is whatever women choose to wear." That notion has stuck with me since, insofar as it absolves of needing to worry whether we are clothing ourselves in accordance with the (however evanescent) dictates of current fashion.

It sounds, from your description, that your insight on the beach has kept you in good stead with your own sense of authenticity. You'll fare aright!

[agent_dani]

I think we all suffer that. I've owed my beloved many apologies for things I've done to her in that way.

That really is it! I had a fear of stereotypical feminine dress for a while because someone very close to me used one of those transphobic tropes (man in a dress) early in my transition and it stuck. I got better.